I Never Would Be
by kiyah corruption
Summary: ECLIPSE SPOILERS. Post Eclipse. Oneshot.


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse.  
Therefore, I am not Stephenie Meyer.**

This is post Eclipse, therefore there are spoilers.  
  
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JACOB BLACK:  
  
Bella loved me. Bella Marie Swan finally admitted that she loved me, Jacob Black. Now I'm taped up, partly disabled from the war against the Newborns, and so incredibly torn apart that I'm going crazy. Bella Swan is my soul mate --- she always was, and always will be. The fact that she loves a bloodsucker...the fact that she decided she'd rather spend her life with him --- turn into his kind --- makes my stomach flip backwards nearly a hundred times.

Because Bella was supposed to be mine. She was supposed to be made for me. She loves me, she knows she does. Ever since we shared that special kiss in the woods, she's known since then that her feelings for me are much more than just brotherly. She had told me I was her sun, that I balanced out the clouds in the sky for her --- but I already knew that. If her precious Edward Cullen didn't exist, fate would take its place, and Bella wouldn't just be Bella anymore.

She'd be _my_ Bella.

But I love her, too. I love her more than anyone could possibly imagine. I love her with all of my heart and soul. She would become a vampire in only a few weeks. My time to prove my love for her was over, but even though she didn't choose me, I still proved that I loved her more.

I surrendered.

I was stepping aside, allowing her love for that vampire to continue on. I was leaving her be, the way she wants it. But I had healed her. I was the one who saved her from herself, I was the one who was constantly by her side, I was the one always convincing her that she loved me...but she still chose him. And just thinking about how she said she loved me --- how she was now certain that she loved me --- still makes me wonder if she really ever did care about me. I imprinted on Bella...she was supposed to be mine. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be happy.

But that wasn't possible. Not now...not ever.

Because in so little time, she would become a vampire, and my dislike for their smell would horrify me. Even though she had told me she didn't love me in that way repeatedly, day after day, I finally got her to really open her eyes and stare at what was in front of her. _Me_.

I would love and care for Bella more than any other stupid bloodsucker. I would protect her, save her from whatever harm came her way. But none of that changed the fact that she still wasn't mine.

And now, because of her, I was going insane. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. What was my purpose now? A werewolf only imprints once...and if not, they only have one true soul mate. And I already knew that mine was Bella...that fact would never change. Each and every day I would spend living in regret --- regret of how I wasted so much time hiding my feelings about her, and not doing a thing about it.

Time. I had wasted so much of it. I would never --- until the day I died --- live to forgive myself for being around her so much, and never expressing my true feelings towards her sooner. Sure, I had told her how I felt eventually...but it was too late. And she didn't love me back until it was too late. I regret. Every day is filled with nothing but sorrow now...and maybe my life would be better if I surrendered in another way...

If I just left myself behind.

I decided being a werewolf and nothing else would supposedly numb the pain longer. I had healed fairly fast, and even though the days dragged on and I was trying to convince myself to move on, Dr. Fang was still constantly checking up on me. It was almost too much for me to see him --- he reminded me way too much of Bella. Her love for his family --- how this man's son had her under a love spell, and she would never choose me because of it.

Once he ensured that I was free to go, to phase, to mess around, I did. I had promised myself to phase into a werewolf and stay that way. Leaving Jacob Black behind wouldn't be much of a problem, and maybe some day I actually would get over Bella Swan.

Who was I kidding? I was never going to forget about her. Never. No matter how many times I told myself I was over her, it would never be true.

I had explained my situation to Billy within minutes. Without thinking, he patted my shoulder and said, "Do whatever you need to for however long, Jacob. Take your time, clear your head. You need time is all."

With a disgruntled expression, I quickly changed into my other half --- the animal inside of me, as I would sometimes say --- and watched as my human form disappeared in my tracks. I wasn't going back. I wasn't forgiving myself. I wasn't over Bella.

And I never would be.  



End file.
